Give Me a Sign

     Last month I had the opportunity to visit the Sacred Grove. Now, for those that are not of the LDS (Mormon) faith, the Sacred Grove is the place where Joseph Smith (our founding prophet) received an answer to his prayer of what church he should join. He was not sure which church was the true church of Jesus Christ and desperately wanted to know, so he could join the correct one. He was visited by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the woods outside of his home, where he was praying. This place is now called the Sacred Grove and it's visited by thousands of people every year. (For more information about this historical site and Joseph's miraculous experience you can go to The First Vision: Journey to the Sacred Grove.)
    
     Before we got to the site I was extremely excited and anticipated that it would be a beautiful, spiritual experience for me. I prayed to God that he would give me a sign to confirm to me that the words of Joseph Smith were true: 

                         I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me... I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him! (Joseph Smith - History 1:24)

     I wanted to know, without a doubt, that Joseph really did see, and talk with, God and Jesus Christ. I was certain that my prayers would be answered and that I would indeed receive a sign.
    
     As I began walking through the Sacred Grove, with my oldest son, the beauty of the sun shining through the trees was awesome. I felt the excitement of being where Joseph had been. I felt humbled that this hallowed ground had been visited by my Father in Heaven and my brother, Jesus Christ. My son and I barely spoke. We listened to the birds in the trees and occasionally passed other visitors on the path. We talked about how amazing it would've been to have been a young boy of 14 and experienced such an event. It felt incomprehensible. We sat on one of the benches, that were placed in the grove in various places, and took it all in. I waited for my sign. It felt peaceful there. I felt that this indeed was a sacred place, but I wanted my sign. Nothing came.

     We decided to start walking back to the car, and I was feeling a little bummed out, but not extremely discouraged. It wasn't as if this sign that I wanted was going to make or break the testimony that I already had of the truthfulness of Joseph Smith's words. And then it hit me upside the head, I got my answer:

                         "You already know it is true. You have had it confirmed to you many times. There is no reason for a sign. He knows that you know it is true."

     I actually laughed at myself a little. How silly for me to ask of God for such a thing. The Spirit I felt at that moment was obviously, absolutely correct. I did and do know that the things that Joseph Smith saw and experienced are true. It has been confirmed to me by the Holy Spirit many times throughout my life. I needed no other sign than that.
    
     President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, the second counselor in the First Presidency of LDS church, stated:

                         "Is it possible to find truth? The purpose of my remarks is to proclaim the joyful message that God Himself—the Lord of Hosts who knows all truth—has given His children the promise that they can know truth for themselves. Please consider the magnitude of this promise: The Everlasting and Almighty God, the Creator of this vast universe, will speak to those who approach Him with a sincere heart and real intent. He will speak to them in dreams, visions, thoughts, and feelings. He will speak in a way that is unmistakable and that transcends human experience. He will give them divine direction and answers for their personal lives. Of course, there will be those who scoff and say such a thing is impossible, that if there were a God, He would have better things to do than hear and answer a single person’s prayer. But I tell you this: God cares about you. He will listen, and He will answer your personal questions. The answers to your prayers will come in His own way and in His own time, and therefore, you need to learn to listen to His voice (Receiving a Testimony of Light and Truth, Liahona, Nov. 2014).

     It is possible to find truth. God has spoken to me in His own way. It IS unmistakable. I know God cares about me and listens to my prayers. I know He answers them, as well. I am grateful for my experience in the Sacred Grove. I am thankful for the "sign" that I did not receive, for I received something far greater - the realization that I already have a belief in, and testimony of Joseph's words. I know his words are truth. I now feel that I should testify of that. I shall put my voice with his in declaring that God and Jesus did visit him in the Sacred Grove and that "all the world could not make [me] think or believe otherwise" (JSH 1:24).

Landon and I in the Sacred Grove.

 

The Most Powerful Force in My Life

The most powerful force in my life has always been God. Whenever things in my life become too difficult for me to handle I know that I can ask him to help me through. He has never left me alone - even in my darkest hours. I'm not really sure how this has shaped the person that I am other than the fact that His "force," His power, His love, I cannot deny. I wish I did embrace God more than I do. I wish that I would turn to Him more - thanking Him for all that He does for me; praying more for the answers I seek and the comfort I long for. Even though I know that He's there, I don't turn to Him or embrace Him enough. I let feelings of pride or unworthiness get in the way. I guess if I embraced Him the way He wants me to I would feel more happiness, healing, and peace in my life.

I AM HERE NOW

I never thought I would be here, in this place, of inner-peace. So many years I have struggled. I do not write what I am about to say as a way to boast of myself but to tell myself how proud I am of that girl who has traveled so far.

I never loved that girl; I hardly even liked her. Inner criticism was a daily norm. In my mind, I was never worth anything other than what was dealt to me. I didn’t think I had the power to overcome the pain that I held inside. I was betrayed so many times in my life by those who were supposed to protect me and love me. I was betrayed by my own self; by my own decisions and my own actions because I didn’t know how to stand up.

So often the darkness seems to consume me. It is a hard thing for people to deal with or even understand – especially those closest to me. They don’t want to hear it or see it. I do not blame them. It is exhausting. I would spend the better part of my days just trying to mask it so that people wouldn’t have to see. It never worked for long and when it came to the surface there was no stopping it. The confusion and frustration of those around me would be justified because, to them, it seemed to come out of nowhere. I am sorry for this.

I feel the highest highs and the lowest lows – it is a blessing and a curse. It is something that my mind just does and it is a daily struggle to find a balance.

I recently read a quote somewhere that said, “You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.” In that instant I felt a change in me that I will never forget. Somewhere down inside, deep beneath all the abuse, all the pain, and all the sadness that had piled on this little girl’s soul for so many years, was a spark of hope.

I am standing now. I am doing it. I am finally living for me. I am finally sticking up for me. It is such an amazing, and yet, foreign place to be. I am proud of how far I’ve come. I am finally giving this girl credit for surviving. I am finally feeling things, for the first time in my life, without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can make my own path and I don’t have to let life happen to me. I’m not afraid anymore. I am truly free and I am truly thankful…

I Have Learned...

I always thought I knew what true love was. I had no idea. So many times I have tripped over love but had never been caught when I fell. Now, I have fallen and been caught. I know without a doubt that I have found true love. A love that is persistent and forgiving. A love that's been through fire but has come out as pure and strong as ever. A love that looks beyond today, beyond the years, to eternity. I am happier, stronger, healthier, and more in love than I ever thought possible. My love is here to stay. I am his forever. We don't make excuses or turn our backs when things are tough and seem too great to overcome. When it feels as if it's too much, we just dig in deeper. We resolve to do better, be better; not just try, but DO. I am amazed at what we have become so far and am excited for our future. I love, my one, my true love...

On a Crumpled Piece of Paper

The dark place
I'm here again
It is so familiar
Each time gets more painful
each time I see
the defective one is me

Why do I let them near me
How do I get caught up
Their lies cover my eyes
I cannot see
They whisper in my ears
Cloud my mind with manipulating words
I am powerless for a time
I struggle to take back what is mine

-Jackee

We're All Fine

They turn away
It’s uncomfortable
They don’t want to know
They don’t want to witness
Pretend innocence
Ignorance
They didn’t see what they saw
They didn’t read what they read
They don’t know anything
Everything is fine
We’re all fine
Phony inhabitants
It is all so nauseating
Everyone is too afraid
Say what they think
Tell the truth
Authenticity has vanished from their worlds
True, raw emotions are nowhere to be found
Just keep pretending
The shocking, yucky things don’t exist
Not in their homes
Everyone is fine
We’re all fine

-Jackee

He Loves Me Not

She sat across from him

There was nothing left to say

They stopped looking

They stopped trying

He got up and walked away

She fell...

-Jackee

Daydreaming

I want to walk through one day where the images are not permitted. Where the sensations and thoughts of him are not intruding on my body. I want to forget. I want to slice it away, chop it up, and observe as it soars away on the breeze of forgetfulness, to a world that I know nothing about.


-Jackee

RANDOM

Protection

Have it Your Way

Turn Around

Go Away

I Can't Keep Up

Smile

I am Ready

You are Blind

It's Almost Over

Goodbye

-Jackee

Haunting

Sometimes I can't sleep. The images of what happened that night play again in my mind. I did everything wrong. It still scares me. The nightmares make me sweat and sometimes I feel like I want to cut the image out. I cannot. I must face it.

He was strong. His hand came out of nowhere, as did his anger. I felt the sting on my face and the piercing of his words in my ears. I reacted quickly, but punching him in the face only made it worse. His hands came at me and I laughed at him while he was choking me. "What are you going to do, kill me?" I asked him.

That is all I want to tell.

I didn't cry until much later... I couldn't believe what I'd gotten myself into. I blamed myself and felt that I deserved everything I got. I had bruises and my body ached. I should have told but I couldn't. I was so ashamed of what had happened.

I still blame myself. I should've known better. I still feel afraid sometimes. Some might say that I should be proud of myself for fighting back. I did fight...hard. I still am...

-Jackee

The Upside of Being BORDERLINE

A person with BPD always wants to be with the ones they love.
A person with BPD is chameleon-like and adapts easily with different types of people.
A person with BPD is spontaneous.
A person with BPD has a high tolerance for physical pain.
A person with BPD experiences more intense feelings of love, happiness, and joy than a person without.

Eureka!

If I don't stand up for myself, who will?

NOBODY.

December 1, 2009

Empty. I feel nothing. I have no motivation. I have no opinions. I have no standards. No rules. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want? I don't know. I REALLY don't know. I have no goals. I believe in nothing. I push myself to live. I live for my son. I do what is expected of me. I do what sounds good at the time. I attach no thoughts to actions. Whatever happens, happens. I never look beyond the moment. I have no control. I have no desire. I want to feel love. I want to be loved. I love. Then I hate. I love. I hate. I hate myself the most.

I'm tired. Why do I have to be this way? I try so hard not to be. I am trying so hard to use effective coping skills. I am trying to learn all that I can and do the things that I learn. I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting the urges. I am tired of sliding backwards and feeling like I have no control. It is my own personal dysphoria.

I have no direction. I am here without a compass. I'm just so tired of fighting to stay afloat. There is no land in sight. No boat, no raft. Just me in a sea of shark infested waters with an anchor strapped to my leg. I am stuck. I am drowning. I am gasping and it is getting harder everyday. I feel so weak. I feel so heavy. I feel surrounded. I am so tired. So tired.

Fire Pictures

Here are some pictures that I took of the damage that the Rice Fire caused.

Southern California Wildfires - Rice Fire 2007

October 21, 2007

Sunday, sometime in the middle of the night:

I woke up to branches hitting my house. The winds were so strong that my screen door and windows were rattling. I kept hearing this constant tapping noise at my front door as if someone were trying to annoy me out of bed. I went to the window and looked out…nothing. I turned to go back to bed and there it was again. Tap, tap, tap... what in the world? I opened the front door half expecting to see someone there laughing or ready to attack (too many crime shows and murder mysteries). Then I looked up, it was the flag pole hitting the house. I was so annoyed; I yanked it out of its vessel and brought it into the house. Now, back to sleep.

October 22, 2007

Monday morning around 7am:

I watched the news for a little while. The fire could not be contained and was spreading quickly. The winds weren’t helping matters and now the news was saying that a fire had broken out in Fallbrook but that it was not threatening any structures.

9:26am:

I called my friend to see what the weather was like at her house. We were supposed to get together and scrapbook at 10am. She said there was no wind at all and to come on over. I decided to go, thinking that they would just contain the fire near Fallbrook, but I was leaving with a nagging feeling…something that I couldn’t shake or put my finger on so I decided to call another friend for reassurance. “You have nothing to worry about where you are. They aren’t going to let the fire go into town.” I still wasn’t quite satisfied. I called my mom to let her know what was going on and that I’d let her know if we were to be evacuated or in any danger. I gathered my scrapbooking things and my son and went out the door.

The wind was incredibly strong. The playground in front of my house was filled with branches and pine needles. Two trees had blown over and were lying on the ground next to my house. “What a mess,” I thought, “I feel sorry for the people that have to clean up this mess.”

Around 1:45pm:

I get a phone call – “All of Fallbrook is being evacuated? Have you left yet? Do you have somewhere to go?” I’m not even at home! I threw all my scrapbooking stuff into a box, grabbed Landon and headed for home. I prayed the whole way that they’d let me into Fallbrook to get my things and my “baby girl,” Mary. Before I even got to the Naval Weapons Station I was turned away. The MP said that he’s sorry but that I can’t go back for anything. The first mental breakdown begins…

Sobbing and semi-hysterical, I called my dad. I told him the situation and he calmed me down. I had nowhere to go. I called hotels. Dad looked for hotels online. Everything was booked. I called a friend, barely able to get the words out, “We have no where to go…” and before I could even ask her if we could stay there she said, “Come right now. Don’t worry about anything, just come over here and we’ll get through this together.” I told her that we didn’t have anything with us. I decided to run to the store before it got too busy. $200 later, I had all the essentials for a couple of days plus some food and water for all of us and a couple of toys for Landon.

Around 4:00pm:

We sat and stared at the television for the rest of the evening and into the night. I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I couldn’t believe how bad it had become. The news:

Firefighters in Fallbrook are gearing up to battle a resurgence of flames in the Rice Canyon fire, which began as a small fire on Fallbrook's outskirts, but is moving quickly toward the historic town. All 40,000 residents of Fallbrook have been ordered to evacuate the area. The fire has eaten up about 750 acres and is spreading. It is moving toward Fallbrook on Reche Road, spreading on the east side of Interstate 15.

Two people have been injured in the fire, officials said.

When asked about the chances that the fire will make it to downtown Fallbrook, North County Fire Protection District spokesman John Buchanan responded with realistic resolve."It's going to be a tough fight," he said.

Around 7pm:

The kids were bathed, the beds were ready, but Landon and I couldn’t sleep. He told me that “the fire is not going to burn my house or my rocket, Mom.” I told him that he was right and that everything was going to be okay. He finally fell asleep around 10pm and I drifted off around 11pm only to wake up all through the night to check the news.

October 23, 2007

Tuesday:

Another stressful day. Reports from everywhere seemed to be conflicting. I never knew who or what to believe. All I wanted was to go home and get Mary. We tried to get our minds off of it. We watched other things on television and played games but there was always that moment when we just had to get an update. Again, the news:

The Rice Fire in Fallbrook appears to be destroying homes in an unpredictable pattern, John Buchanan, the public information officer for North County Fire Protection District, said this morning. Buchanan said the fire is acting like a tornado, taking out homes outside of its path of destruction, probably from hot embers.

WALDO NILO – North County Times Photographer

By late this morning, fire officials said the blaze had destroyed 250 homes and damaged 30 others in Fallbrook and the eastern portion of Pala Mesa Village.Firefighters were battling a 4-mile long front of the fire in Fallbrook.

The fire is zero percent contained and is stretching from north of Mission Road almost to Highway 76 and Gird Road.

"That's where we're trying to make a stand," Buchanan said at 9:15 a.m. today.The fire is estimated to have burned 4,000 acres and injured two civilians and one firefighter.
An estimated time of containment is not known.

"We're still dealing with very erratic winds and extreme fire behaviors," Buchanan said. "We're basically at the whim of Mother Nature."

Sometime on Tuesday:

I saw the map for the first time of the Rice Fire that was burning in Fallbrook. I couldn’t believe how close it was to my house. It was burning the park were Loren and I had taken Landon to play.

My second breakdown began…

Tuesday, in the middle of the night:

The power had gone out. No light and no fans. (Try sleeping in the heat, in a house that has a lingering of stale smoke. You can’t open the windows for air and you have no idea what is going on. Is it just a normal power outage? It is from the fires?)

We got a phone call that we were under voluntary evacuations and that it was just a matter of time before the MPs came around telling everyone to leave and it would be mandatory. What? Why? My head was a fog. I felt like I was sleeping in the middle of a bad dream. I wanted to wake up from the dream but I didn’t want to wake up from my nap. Exhaustion had taken over my body and my mental state wasn’t far behind. I didn’t want to evacuate again. Now where were we supposed to go?

The information that we got was that there were three new fires on Camp Pendleton – one behind the commissary (which was about two miles down the hill from us), one in the Horno area, and one behind the Air Station (where Loren’s work was located).

My friend was having her breakdown now. She went to pack up some things and then came back downstairs and said that she was not going anywhere until those MPs showed up at the door. She decided to call the MPs directly to find out what was going on. She asked if her housing area was being evacuated and the man said “no, stay in your homes with the windows and doors shut and do not go outside.” She asked him if there were three fires on the base right then, one being right down the hill from her house. “Yes” was the only answer she got and then the man hung up. She watched the neighbors all pack their cars and head out. So much for staying in your homes.

“What should we do?” she asked me. I was so drained and exhausted that I could only think of my head hitting the pillow. I knew that we had to be up in the morning ready to take care of three little kids. “Let’s just get some sleep and we’ll worry about it if the knock on the door comes.” Agreed.

Landon woke up crying some time later and I stumbled up the stairs trying to reach him before he woke up everyone in the house. He told me that he wanted his own room. I told him that we still couldn’t go home because of the fire. He said “okay Mama” and went back to sleep.

October 24, 2007

Wednesday:

There was still no power. The house was hot and stuffy. We were miserable, irritable, and were not getting any answers. The kids were running around the house like banshees. We were ready to pull our hair out if we heard one more scream or fight. Landon and I were out of clean clothes. We got the latest update on the fires on Camp Pendleton from friends before we headed out to the store to go buy some more clothes, food, water, lights, and batteries. Here was the news:

Camp Pendleton authorities have relocated the residents of one housing area, San Onofre 1 and 2, to San Mateo. That relocation, which affected approximately 800 family members, was a precautionary measure in light of the proximity of the Horno fire.

The five-acre fire near the Commissary (the Base's largest grocery store) inthe 21 Area is also 100 percent contained.

After we got home from the store, ate lunch, and stared at each other for most of the afternoon, we decided that it was time to “get out of dodge” (where did that saying come from, by the way). It was just too hot, still no power, the kids were driving us crazy; they were cranky and so were we. We were told that evacuations were voluntary at that time and that it looked like they would not get the power back on until Saturday. That was the last straw. We called dad and had him make hotel arrangements for us in Fontana (about an hour-and-a-half northeast of us).

Wednesday evening, leaving Camp Pendleton:

As we drove along I-5 we could see where the fire had been. The smoke was a heavy fog in the distant but the smell was everywhere. And then, there it was… the fire in the Las Pulgas/Horno area. I had never seen anything like it. It was like I was watching a television. Was I really seeing what I was seeing? The tears fell as I continued to drive north. I wanted my husband. There was an anger growing inside of me. It wasn’t fair. Loren was out helping others in a foreign land while his own family needed his help. All the Marines that were over in Iraq, not knowing if they would have a home to come back to; it was sickening. I felt nauseous, angry, scared, and saddened all at the same time. I just kept thinking that I had to keep it together for my son. He had to know that we were going to be just fine.

Wednesday night, at the hotel:

The hotel was… let’s just say… a little run down and dirty and a lot scary. It was a bad part of town. We stayed one night because we had no other option at that point. We would find a new hotel in the morning. Sleep came easily though. I can remember a feeling of peace like it was okay to just fall asleep.

October 25, 2007

Thursday morning:

We didn’t even shower at the hotel. The bathrooms weren’t very clean and we just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. We drove back towards LA until we found what looked like a nicer part of town and a nicer hotel; the Claremont Inn. Perfect. We got our rooms and got settled in. I was feeling optimistic. The news we were getting was all positive. We stayed there that night knowing that the next day we would probably get the word that we could go home. Home… I thought about it as I went to sleep. Would Mary be okay? Did she have enough food and/or water to sustain her until I got back? Was she scared? I finally fell asleep feeling that the news we had heard that day meant that I would find out soon enough. We would be able to go home in the morning. That’s all I had to cling to.

The news that day:

Fire crews have their arms around about 20 percent of the Rice Canyon fire in Fallbrook, CalFire officials said Wednesday night.

There is also a plan that could see some Fallbrook residents back in their homes by the weekend.

As of late in the evening, none of the threatened homes in northern Fallbrook were burned. The estimated loss of residences in Fallbrook remains at 206 homes, a number unchanged since Tuesday morning.

Much of the losses are in east Fallbrook, including the hard hit Valley Oaks mobile-home park off Reche Road.

(All photos taken by North County Times Photographer, JAMIE SCOTT LYTLE.)

A birds-eye view of the Valley Oaks mobile home park in Fallbrook on Friday.

The National Guard onsite at the Valley Oaks mobile home park in Fallbrook on Friday looking for human remains -- fortunately -- none were found.

Remnants of the Valley Oaks mobile home park in Fallbrook.

Tony Brencola a Fallbrook Water District Worker, looks through the rubble of his Valley Oaks Park mobile home. More than 50 percent of the homes in the park in Fallbrook were destroyed by the fire.

The remains of a small bicycle reminiscent of where children once played is seen in the Valley Oaks mobile home park in Fallbrook.

October 26, 2007

Friday morning:

Dad called. “You can go home now,” he told me. That’s all I needed to hear. We ate our continental breakfast, packed up, and headed for home. Right before we left my friend got a call from her neighbor saying that the power was back on. We said our goodbyes to each other and headed out.

Nothing can explain the feeling I was having as I entered Camp Pendleton. I was scared, nervous, exhausted, happy, and tired. I felt nauseous, once again, as I pulled up to the Naval Weapons Station gate. It was open! I was really going home. What was just five days of ups and downs, highs and lows, was coming to an end. It felt like it had been five months since I had been home.

We pulled into our parking spot. The entire parking lot was covered in pine needles, branches, leaves, and ash. There were only two cars in the entire lot. A neighbor’s car and Loren’s car; the ash and pine needles thick, covering the top of his car.

I opened my front door half expecting Mary to be waiting there for me. She wasn’t. Where was she? I called her and she came running. I scooped her up and just kissed her and held her for a few minutes. She was so happy to see us. She was out of food but still had water. She was okay. We were okay. Our home was just fine. We had nothing left to worry about.

That night as Landon and I got ready for bed we talked about the fire. He told me that the fire was gone now and that the fire trucks went home. He said that the fire didn’t get his house or his rocket and it didn’t get his daddy in the big jet. He said that daddy could come home now too. I told him that Heavenly Father blessed us and saved us and our home from the fire. I told him that we should be thankful to all the firemen and to our Heavenly Father for watching over us and protecting us. We said our prayers and said how grateful we were to be home and safe. We prayed for Loren, as we always do, that he would be safe also.

I think we both went to bed that night feeling relief. It felt so good to be home. I thought of all of those that had lost so much. How blessed we were to just be put out of our home for a few days. Some people didn’t have home to go back to. I prayed for them.

Oh, the Joys of Moving

So we're getting ready to move.... wait, Landon and I are getting ready to move while Loren is getting shipped back to Iraq for seven months. Anyway, almost everything we own will once again be put into storage while Landon and I move back in with my parents in Oregon.
ANYWAY, I've decided that moving is not one of my favorite things. As a matter of fact, if I had a list of my favorite things, let's say....from 1 to 1 million, packing and moving would not be on that list. Our entire house is all topsy-turvy and it reminds me of those corn mazes that you can go through around Halloween time, only instead of corn stalks it's boxes and furniture everywhere and there's just enough space for you to walk through.
My favorite part is when I go to get something and....oh what? It's packed! Well who's the smart one who packed that already? It was probably me but I usually blame Loren because I don't want to be at fault.
So, between living out of boxes for a month, sleeping on a blow-up mattress, eating fast food, trying to keep Landon out of things he shouldn't be into, and walking through the maze of it all... let's just say there are no "Joys" of moving!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

This is my first blog. I've decided to start writing so that I can keep an extensive journal/scrapbook while my husband, Loren, is in Iraq for his second tour. He leaves in February and my son, Landon and I will be moving to Oregon to stay with my parents while Loren is gone.
Landon is almost 11 months old and he is the best thing that has ever happened to us. We waited for eight long years to have a baby and Landon was definately worth the wait. He is always so happy and easy going. He loves reading books, bathtime and playing with his Daddy.
That's all I have time to say today but I'm sure I'll be back very soon.