Eureka!

If I don't stand up for myself, who will?

NOBODY.

I KNOW NOW

I never knew that I was special
I never knew that I should be treated like a princess
I never knew that showing affection in public feels reassuring
I never knew that making love could be mutually fulfilling and rewarding
I never knew that I was good enough
I never knew that I was needed
I never knew that I could be myself
I never knew that I could feel comfortable in my own skin
I never knew that curves could be so sexy
I never knew that I could feel so great laughing out loud
I never knew that spontaneity is actually a strength
I never knew that communication is the key to any relationship
I never knew that it’s okay to ask for what I need
I never knew that it’s okay to ask for what I want
I never knew that it’s okay to be angry and to show it
I never knew that what I had to say was important
I never knew what it felt like to be wanted
I never knew what it felt like to be needed
I never knew that I would share all my secrets
I never knew that I would share my deepest hurts
I never knew that anyone would care
I never knew what it felt like to love myself
I never knew how strong I was
I never knew… UNTIL NOW.

-Jackee

I CAN'T HOLD ON

I SAW YOU
I LISTENED
I NEVER JUDGED
I KISSED YOU
YOU SPOKE BEAUTIFULLY
I WAS HESITANT
I WAS SCARED
YOU PURSUED
BROKE THROUGH
I TRIED TO TELL YOU
I TRIED TO EXPLAIN
YOU LOVED ME
HELD ME
I OPENED UP
DESPITE THE FEAR
SHE WAS ANGRY
SHE WARNED US
YOU NEVER LET HER WIN
I WAS HAPPY
YOU WEREN'T
YOU PULLED AWAY
SHUT DOWN
I WAS CONFUSED
WHAT HAD I DONE
YOU WERE HESITANT
YOU WERE SCARED
I SPOKE BEAUTIFULLY
YOU KISSED ME
I NEVER JUDGED
I LISTENED
I WAITED
I'M DONE

-JACKEE

Unknown

"Honesty opens the door to change. Dishonesty keeps it locked."

"All healthy, personal change begins with knowledge."

December 1, 2009

Empty. I feel nothing. I have no motivation. I have no opinions. I have no standards. No rules. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want? I don't know. I REALLY don't know. I have no goals. I believe in nothing. I push myself to live. I live for my son. I do what is expected of me. I do what sounds good at the time. I attach no thoughts to actions. Whatever happens, happens. I never look beyond the moment. I have no control. I have no desire. I want to feel love. I want to be loved. I love. Then I hate. I love. I hate. I hate myself the most.

I'm tired. Why do I have to be this way? I try so hard not to be. I am trying so hard to use effective coping skills. I am trying to learn all that I can and do the things that I learn. I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting the urges. I am tired of sliding backwards and feeling like I have no control. It is my own personal dysphoria.

I have no direction. I am here without a compass. I'm just so tired of fighting to stay afloat. There is no land in sight. No boat, no raft. Just me in a sea of shark infested waters with an anchor strapped to my leg. I am stuck. I am drowning. I am gasping and it is getting harder everyday. I feel so weak. I feel so heavy. I feel surrounded. I am so tired. So tired.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

The one word that best characterizes BPD is "instability." Their emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly for no discernible reason. Their thinking is unstable - rational and clear at times, quite psychotic at other times. Their behavior is unstable - often with periods of excellent conduct, high efficiency and trustworthiness alternating with outbreaks of babyishness, suddenly quitting a job, withdrawing into isolation, failing.

Their self control is unstable - ranging from the extreme self denial of anorexia to being at the mercy of impulses. And their relationships are unstable. They may sacrifice themselves for others, only to reach their limit suddenly and fly into rageful reproaches, or they may curry favor with obedient submission only to rebel, out of the blue, in a tantrum.

Associated with this instability is terrible anxiety, guilt and self-loathing for which relief is sought at any cost - medicine, drugs, alcohol, overeating, self-injury, suicide. Sadly, oddly, self mutilation is discovered by many individuals with BPD to provide faster relief more than anything else - cutting or burning themselves stops the anxiety temporarily.

In addition, individuals with BPD show great difficulties in controlling ragefulness; they are unusually impulsive, they fall in and out of love suddenly; they tend to idealize other people and then abruptly despise them. A consequence of all this is that they typically look for help from a therapist and then suddenly quit in terrible disappointment and anger.

Underneath all these symptoms, therapists began to see an inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety, frustration, rejection and loss that most people are able to put up with, an inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset, and an inability to control the impulses toward the expression, through action, of love and hate that most people are able to hold in check. And, furthermore, what most defines BPD is great difficulty in holding on to a stable, consistent sense of one's self: "Who am I?" these people ask. "My life is in chaos; sometimes I feel like I can do anything - other times I want to die because I feel so incompetent, helpless and loathsome. I'm a lot of different people instead of being just one person."

*From BDPResourceCenter.org

Landon's Question

Landon: Mama?
Jackee: Yes?
Landon: When can I see?
Jackee: See what?
Landon: All the things in my world.