Empty. I feel nothing. I have no motivation. I have no opinions. I have no standards. No rules. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want? I don't know. I REALLY don't know. I have no goals. I believe in nothing. I push myself to live. I live for my son. I do what is expected of me. I do what sounds good at the time. I attach no thoughts to actions. Whatever happens, happens. I never look beyond the moment. I have no control. I have no desire. I want to feel love. I want to be loved. I love. Then I hate. I love. I hate. I hate myself the most.
I'm tired. Why do I have to be this way? I try so hard not to be. I am trying so hard to use effective coping skills. I am trying to learn all that I can and do the things that I learn. I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting the urges. I am tired of sliding backwards and feeling like I have no control. It is my own personal dysphoria.
I have no direction. I am here without a compass. I'm just so tired of fighting to stay afloat. There is no land in sight. No boat, no raft. Just me in a sea of shark infested waters with an anchor strapped to my leg. I am stuck. I am drowning. I am gasping and it is getting harder everyday. I feel so weak. I feel so heavy. I feel surrounded. I am so tired. So tired.
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