I AM HERE NOW

I never thought I would be here, in this place, of inner-peace. So many years I have struggled. I do not write what I am about to say as a way to boast of myself but to tell myself how proud I am of that girl who has traveled so far.

I never loved that girl; I hardly even liked her. Inner criticism was a daily norm. In my mind, I was never worth anything other than what was dealt to me. I didn’t think I had the power to overcome the pain that I held inside. I was betrayed so many times in my life by those who were supposed to protect me and love me. I was betrayed by my own self; by my own decisions and my own actions because I didn’t know how to stand up.

So often the darkness seems to consume me. It is a hard thing for people to deal with or even understand – especially those closest to me. They don’t want to hear it or see it. I do not blame them. It is exhausting. I would spend the better part of my days just trying to mask it so that people wouldn’t have to see. It never worked for long and when it came to the surface there was no stopping it. The confusion and frustration of those around me would be justified because, to them, it seemed to come out of nowhere. I am sorry for this.

I feel the highest highs and the lowest lows – it is a blessing and a curse. It is something that my mind just does and it is a daily struggle to find a balance.

I recently read a quote somewhere that said, “You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.” In that instant I felt a change in me that I will never forget. Somewhere down inside, deep beneath all the abuse, all the pain, and all the sadness that had piled on this little girl’s soul for so many years, was a spark of hope.

I am standing now. I am doing it. I am finally living for me. I am finally sticking up for me. It is such an amazing, and yet, foreign place to be. I am proud of how far I’ve come. I am finally giving this girl credit for surviving. I am finally feeling things, for the first time in my life, without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can make my own path and I don’t have to let life happen to me. I’m not afraid anymore. I am truly free and I am truly thankful…