“Dreams are like stars...you may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.”

My Sunshine

I did some scrapping for my sister:

My Baby and Me

The quote under the picture says,
"Children are a gift from God."

Here's My Baby!

Scrappin' Again!

 

HOPE

"The message of dawn is hope."

                                    -Winston Churchill

A STUMBLE IS NOT A FALL.

I AM HERE NOW

I never thought I would be here, in this place, of inner-peace. So many years I have struggled. I do not write what I am about to say as a way to boast of myself but to tell myself how proud I am of that girl who has traveled so far.

I never loved that girl; I hardly even liked her. Inner criticism was a daily norm. In my mind, I was never worth anything other than what was dealt to me. I didn’t think I had the power to overcome the pain that I held inside. I was betrayed so many times in my life by those who were supposed to protect me and love me. I was betrayed by my own self; by my own decisions and my own actions because I didn’t know how to stand up.

So often the darkness seems to consume me. It is a hard thing for people to deal with or even understand – especially those closest to me. They don’t want to hear it or see it. I do not blame them. It is exhausting. I would spend the better part of my days just trying to mask it so that people wouldn’t have to see. It never worked for long and when it came to the surface there was no stopping it. The confusion and frustration of those around me would be justified because, to them, it seemed to come out of nowhere. I am sorry for this.

I feel the highest highs and the lowest lows – it is a blessing and a curse. It is something that my mind just does and it is a daily struggle to find a balance.

I recently read a quote somewhere that said, “You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.” In that instant I felt a change in me that I will never forget. Somewhere down inside, deep beneath all the abuse, all the pain, and all the sadness that had piled on this little girl’s soul for so many years, was a spark of hope.

I am standing now. I am doing it. I am finally living for me. I am finally sticking up for me. It is such an amazing, and yet, foreign place to be. I am proud of how far I’ve come. I am finally giving this girl credit for surviving. I am finally feeling things, for the first time in my life, without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can make my own path and I don’t have to let life happen to me. I’m not afraid anymore. I am truly free and I am truly thankful…

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams!

-Dr. Seuss

TURN YOUR WOUNDS INTO WISDOM.

-Oprah

I Have Learned...

I always thought I knew what true love was. I had no idea. So many times I have tripped over love but had never been caught when I fell. Now, I have fallen and been caught. I know without a doubt that I have found true love. A love that is persistent and forgiving. A love that's been through fire but has come out as pure and strong as ever. A love that looks beyond today, beyond the years, to eternity. I am happier, stronger, healthier, and more in love than I ever thought possible. My love is here to stay. I am his forever. We don't make excuses or turn our backs when things are tough and seem too great to overcome. When it feels as if it's too much, we just dig in deeper. We resolve to do better, be better; not just try, but DO. I am amazed at what we have become so far and am excited for our future. I love, my one, my true love...

Music is what feelings sound like.

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.

~Maya Angelou, Gather Together in My Name

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

~Berthold Auerbach

A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence.
~Leopold Stokowski

Don't Forget...

HOUSE

IT IS TIME

The Past

Overcoming the Odds

On a Crumpled Piece of Paper

The dark place
I'm here again
It is so familiar
Each time gets more painful
each time I see
the defective one is me

Why do I let them near me
How do I get caught up
Their lies cover my eyes
I cannot see
They whisper in my ears
Cloud my mind with manipulating words
I am powerless for a time
I struggle to take back what is mine

-Jackee

We're All Fine

They turn away
It’s uncomfortable
They don’t want to know
They don’t want to witness
Pretend innocence
Ignorance
They didn’t see what they saw
They didn’t read what they read
They don’t know anything
Everything is fine
We’re all fine
Phony inhabitants
It is all so nauseating
Everyone is too afraid
Say what they think
Tell the truth
Authenticity has vanished from their worlds
True, raw emotions are nowhere to be found
Just keep pretending
The shocking, yucky things don’t exist
Not in their homes
Everyone is fine
We’re all fine

-Jackee

He Loves Me Not

She sat across from him

There was nothing left to say

They stopped looking

They stopped trying

He got up and walked away

She fell...

-Jackee

Daydreaming

I want to walk through one day where the images are not permitted. Where the sensations and thoughts of him are not intruding on my body. I want to forget. I want to slice it away, chop it up, and observe as it soars away on the breeze of forgetfulness, to a world that I know nothing about.


-Jackee

RANDOM

Protection

Have it Your Way

Turn Around

Go Away

I Can't Keep Up

Smile

I am Ready

You are Blind

It's Almost Over

Goodbye

-Jackee

Haunting

Sometimes I can't sleep. The images of what happened that night play again in my mind. I did everything wrong. It still scares me. The nightmares make me sweat and sometimes I feel like I want to cut the image out. I cannot. I must face it.

He was strong. His hand came out of nowhere, as did his anger. I felt the sting on my face and the piercing of his words in my ears. I reacted quickly, but punching him in the face only made it worse. His hands came at me and I laughed at him while he was choking me. "What are you going to do, kill me?" I asked him.

That is all I want to tell.

I didn't cry until much later... I couldn't believe what I'd gotten myself into. I blamed myself and felt that I deserved everything I got. I had bruises and my body ached. I should have told but I couldn't. I was so ashamed of what had happened.

I still blame myself. I should've known better. I still feel afraid sometimes. Some might say that I should be proud of myself for fighting back. I did fight...hard. I still am...

-Jackee

There is Life After You

All the pretty words flew right out the door
You pushed me away

You said I was too much; I was so emotional
In the beginning the word was passionate

I was once special
In the end I was just mental

You just can't handle all that I have to give
Never satisfied anyway

You want a puppet to play in your movie of life
Do your own thing and then it's on to the next

I hate how you stripped me down
I was naked and you saw all of me

Took the memories from my mind
Kept me vulnerable for your pleasure

I never suspected
So naive to your cunning

Instead of taking responsibility for your actions
You blamed me

I never asked to be saved
I never once misbehaved until your selfishness took over

You had to have an excuse for your behavior
So that you could keep the truth undercover

I was left alone without a word
Thrown away, just like the others

I will never be deceived again
I will survive, as I have many times before

I can overcome your betrayal
But you will never be loved again like I loved you

I am more than you deserve
And you will never have me again

So many lies; so many tries
Full of disrespect and never thinking of another

You have no compass to keep you well
You are no better than them

You will one day atone for what you have done
But my heart and mind will have already won

I'm the best thing...
YOU'LL WISH YOU STILL HAD


-Jackee

STAND IN THE RAIN

 

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why
But she knows that when she’s all alone
It feels like it’s all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fear’s whispering
If she stands, she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

-Superchick

Great Idea?

Landon: Mama, we are going to get some tractors and destroy our house.
Jackee: Oh ya?
Landon: Ya, that way we can build an air station and a Lego superstore. Then we can have all the legos and build everything.
Jackee: Well if we destroy our house where are we going to live?
Landon: In the air station.
Jackee: Where will we sleep?
Landon: We can build our beds out of legos.
Jackee: What about a bathroom?
Landon: Don't worry we can build lego bushes too!

Surf's Up!

Landon: Mom, do you know how to surf?
Jackee: No.
Landon: I actually do.
Jackee: Oh ya?
Landon: Does Dad know how to surf?
Jackee: No.
Landon: Well I certainly do and I can teach you guys.

My Guy!

Landon: Mom, guess what?
Jackee: What?
Landon: I'm spiderman and you're my girl!

The Upside of Being BORDERLINE

A person with BPD always wants to be with the ones they love.
A person with BPD is chameleon-like and adapts easily with different types of people.
A person with BPD is spontaneous.
A person with BPD has a high tolerance for physical pain.
A person with BPD experiences more intense feelings of love, happiness, and joy than a person without.

Eureka!

If I don't stand up for myself, who will?

NOBODY.

I KNOW NOW

I never knew that I was special
I never knew that I should be treated like a princess
I never knew that showing affection in public feels reassuring
I never knew that making love could be mutually fulfilling and rewarding
I never knew that I was good enough
I never knew that I was needed
I never knew that I could be myself
I never knew that I could feel comfortable in my own skin
I never knew that curves could be so sexy
I never knew that I could feel so great laughing out loud
I never knew that spontaneity is actually a strength
I never knew that communication is the key to any relationship
I never knew that it’s okay to ask for what I need
I never knew that it’s okay to ask for what I want
I never knew that it’s okay to be angry and to show it
I never knew that what I had to say was important
I never knew what it felt like to be wanted
I never knew what it felt like to be needed
I never knew that I would share all my secrets
I never knew that I would share my deepest hurts
I never knew that anyone would care
I never knew what it felt like to love myself
I never knew how strong I was
I never knew… UNTIL NOW.

-Jackee

I CAN'T HOLD ON

I SAW YOU
I LISTENED
I NEVER JUDGED
I KISSED YOU
YOU SPOKE BEAUTIFULLY
I WAS HESITANT
I WAS SCARED
YOU PURSUED
BROKE THROUGH
I TRIED TO TELL YOU
I TRIED TO EXPLAIN
YOU LOVED ME
HELD ME
I OPENED UP
DESPITE THE FEAR
SHE WAS ANGRY
SHE WARNED US
YOU NEVER LET HER WIN
I WAS HAPPY
YOU WEREN'T
YOU PULLED AWAY
SHUT DOWN
I WAS CONFUSED
WHAT HAD I DONE
YOU WERE HESITANT
YOU WERE SCARED
I SPOKE BEAUTIFULLY
YOU KISSED ME
I NEVER JUDGED
I LISTENED
I WAITED
I'M DONE

-JACKEE

Unknown

"Honesty opens the door to change. Dishonesty keeps it locked."

"All healthy, personal change begins with knowledge."

December 1, 2009

Empty. I feel nothing. I have no motivation. I have no opinions. I have no standards. No rules. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want? I don't know. I REALLY don't know. I have no goals. I believe in nothing. I push myself to live. I live for my son. I do what is expected of me. I do what sounds good at the time. I attach no thoughts to actions. Whatever happens, happens. I never look beyond the moment. I have no control. I have no desire. I want to feel love. I want to be loved. I love. Then I hate. I love. I hate. I hate myself the most.

I'm tired. Why do I have to be this way? I try so hard not to be. I am trying so hard to use effective coping skills. I am trying to learn all that I can and do the things that I learn. I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting the urges. I am tired of sliding backwards and feeling like I have no control. It is my own personal dysphoria.

I have no direction. I am here without a compass. I'm just so tired of fighting to stay afloat. There is no land in sight. No boat, no raft. Just me in a sea of shark infested waters with an anchor strapped to my leg. I am stuck. I am drowning. I am gasping and it is getting harder everyday. I feel so weak. I feel so heavy. I feel surrounded. I am so tired. So tired.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

The one word that best characterizes BPD is "instability." Their emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly for no discernible reason. Their thinking is unstable - rational and clear at times, quite psychotic at other times. Their behavior is unstable - often with periods of excellent conduct, high efficiency and trustworthiness alternating with outbreaks of babyishness, suddenly quitting a job, withdrawing into isolation, failing.

Their self control is unstable - ranging from the extreme self denial of anorexia to being at the mercy of impulses. And their relationships are unstable. They may sacrifice themselves for others, only to reach their limit suddenly and fly into rageful reproaches, or they may curry favor with obedient submission only to rebel, out of the blue, in a tantrum.

Associated with this instability is terrible anxiety, guilt and self-loathing for which relief is sought at any cost - medicine, drugs, alcohol, overeating, self-injury, suicide. Sadly, oddly, self mutilation is discovered by many individuals with BPD to provide faster relief more than anything else - cutting or burning themselves stops the anxiety temporarily.

In addition, individuals with BPD show great difficulties in controlling ragefulness; they are unusually impulsive, they fall in and out of love suddenly; they tend to idealize other people and then abruptly despise them. A consequence of all this is that they typically look for help from a therapist and then suddenly quit in terrible disappointment and anger.

Underneath all these symptoms, therapists began to see an inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety, frustration, rejection and loss that most people are able to put up with, an inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset, and an inability to control the impulses toward the expression, through action, of love and hate that most people are able to hold in check. And, furthermore, what most defines BPD is great difficulty in holding on to a stable, consistent sense of one's self: "Who am I?" these people ask. "My life is in chaos; sometimes I feel like I can do anything - other times I want to die because I feel so incompetent, helpless and loathsome. I'm a lot of different people instead of being just one person."

*From BDPResourceCenter.org

Landon's Question

Landon: Mama?
Jackee: Yes?
Landon: When can I see?
Jackee: See what?
Landon: All the things in my world.

Somewhere I Have Never Travelled

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-E.E. Cummings

Huh?

Right question.
...Wrong answer.

Where are you?
On my way.

What time is it?
Time to get a watch.

Stop answering inquisitions
with things that make no sense.

Get off the cord,
Get on the ball.

- J.J.

Ballad to a Rockstar

Rock, paper, scissors
Truant, tardee
Just plain unpunctual
Will you ever modify this conduct?

Life is a time piece
And every piece of time
Should be held with tender gloves
(I mean mittens)

Tough love
Tough meat
Thick skull
A hammer cannot infiltrate

Pound pound pound
Like the beating of a drum
Going going...
Rock, paper, scissors

- J and J

Jackee

Just a girl
A wife and mother
Courageous
Kind
Easy to please
Eternally loved

Landon

Loves life
Animated
Never bored
Daddy's boy
Or Mama's baby
Nuts about books

Transforming

What is the opposite of pride?
Submitting yourself with nothing to hide.
It is having a heart that is lowly and meek,
Praying to God for the answers you seek.
Humbling your soul as you fall to your knees,
Forsaking all sin and asking Him, "Please..."

by Jackee

Anger

Wrath, rage, or fury
Gets your blood boiling in a hurry.

by Jackee

Military

Defend, shield, shelter, and protect
Those who provide these, deserve our respect.

by Jackee

Concealed Within

They see beauty
I see ugly
They see confidence
I see self-doubt
Under the image she masks her true self
It's dark, black, and corrupted
They see cheerfulness
I see weakness
They see spirituality
I see sin
Under the painted on portrait is the demon within
She is lost, discarded, and worthless
They see beauty
I see disgrace

by Jackee

Inside My Heart

A garden, where once wildflowers grew in every color
Where trees and shrubs grew geen and were full of life
Now, they're all dead, brown and dry
The sky is gray and the clouds are still dark
A storm as black as night has just blown through
Bringing with it harsh winds and hail
The garden is cold now

As I walk into the garden I feel sadness come over me
Where did the gardner go?
What has happened here?
This garden needs love and caring
It needs water and light
I feel overwhelmed thinking of all that needs to be done
All the work and time that need to take place
To make this a beautiful garden once more

by Jackee

Beauty From Pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

By SuperChick

Forgiveness

"A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required. Certainly, the one who does the injury should totally make his adjustment, but as for the offended one, he must forgive the offender regardless of the attitude of the other. Yes, to be in the right we must forgive, and we must do so without regard to whether or not our antagonist repents, or how sincere is his transformation, or whether or not he asks our forgiveness."
-Spencer W. Kimball

I Need Thee

Guide now my feet-
Keep me from former snares.

-I Need Thee Every Hour, Hymn

Psalms 25:16-18, 20

Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted.

The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses.

Look upon mine affliction and my pain: and forgive all my sins.

O keep my soul, and deliver me:

Pirates Beware

Ahoy Matey!

Scrappin' Away

CARS

My Strawberry

Here is a strawberry that I created with cardstock and black brads.

1976

This page was done as an example for a challenge that I hosted called, This Day in History.

Notice the GOLDEN color that I used to help pay tribute to the era. :o)

Pooh Corner

"How do you do Nothing?" asked Pooh, after he had wondered for a long time.
"Well, it's when people call out at you just as you're going off to do it, 'What are you doing Christopher Robin?' and you say 'Oh nothing,' and then you go and do it."

Counting Crows

"I've been here before and I deserve a little more."

Pooh Corner

"This is the first verse," he said to Piglet, when he was ready with it.

"First verse of what?"

"My song."

"What song?"

"This one."

"Which one?"

"Well, if you listen, Piglet, you'll hear it."

"How do you know I'm not listening?"

Pooh Corner

"Hallo, Piglet," said Pooh.

"Hallo, Pooh," said Piglet, giving a jump of surprise. "I knew it was you."

"So did I," said Pooh.

Leaving Me

So far down,
I can't see below.
My head is a sesspool of thoughts;
Can't see past the darkness.
Pain surrounds my heart,
My soul aches for light...
Where has it gone?

-Jackee

RUSH

Cascading Thoughts
Descending Below
Dropping, Falling
Here I go...
Sliding, Slipping
Quickly They Flow

-Jackee

Job 3:20-21, 25

"Wherefore is light given to him that is in misery, and life unto the bitter in soul;
Which long for death, but it cometh not; and dig for it more than for hid treasures;
For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me."

Love

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." -Robert Heinlein

Psalms 31:9-10, 12, 14-16, 24

"Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eyes are consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.
For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.
I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel.
But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God.
My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemy, and from them that persecute me.
Make thy face to shine upon they servant: save me for they mercies' sake."

"Be of good courage, and he shall strenthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."

Pooh Corner

Pooh went to the larder; and he stood on a chair, and took down a very large jar of honey from the top shelf. It had HUNNY written on it, but, just to make sure...he put his tongue in, and took a large lick.

Psalms 119:143

"Trouble and anguish have taken hold on me: yet thy commandments are my delights."

I LOVE THIS

"Sometimes we get caught in squalls and storms and things don't do the way we think they should, even when we think we have done right. But God can find us in the eye of the storm and give us courage to swim in rough waters. We learn lessons from storms that we cannot learn from calm seas." -John H. Groberg

Negatives

"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed." -John Pritchard

Faith

"Where doubt and uncertainty are, there, faith is not, nor can it be. For doubt and faith do not exist in the same person at the same time." -Joseph Smith

My Handsome

Ever since I started combing Landon's hair I have always finished by saying, "You're so handsome, just like Daddy." After awhile I would just get to, "You're so handsome" and he'd cut in "Just like Daddy?" He would just beam knowing he was as handsome as his dad.

The other day, I had just combed his hair and he went to get his bag for school. I ran back into the bathroom to brush my teeth and when I came back out he was sitting by the front door with a pout.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I'm sad," he said, "I lost my handsome."

I noticed that his hair was a little messy and while I straightened it out I assured him that his handsome was still there.

About a week later it was a little cold and windy outside and as we were heading out the door again for school he stopped me.

"Mom, no, I can't go outside! The wind will blow my handsome away!"

Mike Huckabee's Action Steps to Higher Ground

These are my favorites:

1. Read the Bible more; blogs less.
2. Listen to more music and less talk radio.
3. Do volunteer work with the impoverished, disabled, or ill.
4. Write letters of praise to total strangers you read about who do wonderful things.
5. Practice "Random Acts of Kindness."
6. Don't use profanity.
7. Attend worship service every week.
8. Always say "Thank you."
9. Never ask for anything without saying "Please."
10. Never miss a musical performance or school play your child is involved in.
11. Volunteer to help out in at least one school activity per year.
12. Don't smoke - PERIOD!
13. Exercise a minimum of three times per week, at least thirty minutes per session.
14. Never litter!
15. Recycle.
16. Take steps to prevent being a victim of crime.
17. Donate a tithe or more to your church.
18. Write a letter to the editor.
19. Visit historical sites or museums.
20. Take the family on an old-fashioned picnic.
21. Don't watch TV during dinner.
22. Take a course at your community college.
23. Pray before meals.
24. Travel abroad.
25. Make a to-do list everyday.

Between the Sheets

It's a movie -
And I act; I'm a performer
I play the person they want me to be -
I know all the characters
Because I've played them all.
But who is the actor?
When can I play myself?
I don't even know who I am...

-Jackee

Black and White Innocence

She slowly uncovers her unrealistic disguise
While sitting alone in a dark corner, on the hard, cold floor
A single, innocent tear falls down her narrow, white, shameful face
She'll keep wiping away the useless tears
As continually they fall
-Jackee

WATERFALL

I sit in a world only known to me. A world of animosity, weakness, shame, guilt, and sadness. They fill my mind - trap me. It runs through my veins with the blood. It comes out of my mouth like a waterfall; so fast and so furious. Nothing can stop it. It hurts the people down below. It can't be stopped. It doesn't shut off. What am I suppose to do? I can't contain it all. I can't hold back any longer. It's time. It needs to be heard. The dam has broken.

-Jackee

I AM

Sadness has become me
It has engulfed my soul
Taken over my mind
Pain doesn't hurt me
I am numb from all
From all the things that try to hurt me
I can't fall anymore
The bottom is above me
I hate the truth
I hate reality
Mask it
Hide all the feelings
Don't let the sadness show
He must never know
She is weak
So ashamed of what I have become

-Jackee

How Will it End?

What is wrong with me?
Who is this person I've come to hate?
When did it all begin?
Where has she gone?
Why do I do what I do?
How will it end?
-Jackee

Deep Within My Thoughts

deep within
my thoughts
hold dark secrets
secrets of death
wicked death
hatred, anger
what a terrible
sin...
the blackness
of the deep
within

-Jackee

Gathering Darkness

Gathering Darkness

darkness - confusion - it's like fog that gathers in my head - clouds my view of what things really are - of how they're suppose to be - I see things through a thick sea of smog - it's hard to tell what is real - what is right - what is good - what is bad - the pain is so strong - I pray to God for strength - it helps - but then the fear sets in again - it outweighs all - I can't see clear anymore - gathering darkness

-Jackee

This Was Fun

Another layout for another scrapbooking challenge that I'm in.



This challenge was to use up your scraps. 85% of the layout had to be scraps. I made the page from all scraps; used leftover letters and even a "throw-away" picture that was in the discard pile.

Prince of Pout

This is a layout I just finished for ANOTHER challenge where you had to use 15 or more buttons. TA-DUH!

Scrappin'

A scrapbook layout for another challenge that I'm in. The challenge was to cut out the main person/people in the picture and make it the center of a layout.


Mommy & Me

My mommy cuddles me,
kisses me, hugs me and misses me.

Pampers me, praises me;
always amazes me.

Washes my clothes for me;
tickles my toes for me.

Giggles and talks with me
and goes on walks with me.

Says "sweet dreams" to me;
sings cute songs to me,

I’m so glad she belongs to me!

Nine Words That Women Use and Men Should Know

*Men should print this list for future reference.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to do whatever it is that you're doing before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question it, or faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless
she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you
at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").

8) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

9) Whatever: You're basically... screwed!

Thoughts From Max Lucado

"I am with you always, even unto the end of the world."
Matthew 28:20

"A storm on the Sea of Galilee was akin to a sumo wrestler's belly flop on a kiddy pool. The northern valley acted like a wind tunnel, compressing and hosing squalls onto the lake. Waves as tall as ten feet were common... Yet from the center of the storm, the unwavering Jesus shouts, " I am.""

Whatever your storm...

He is always with you.

Just Like Daddy

LIKE FATHER - LIKE SON
What can I say? He's his Daddy's boy.

Dream A Little Dream

I've been scrapping! This page was created for a scrapbook challenge.

Landon and Rocket

Fire Pictures

Here are some pictures that I took of the damage that the Rice Fire caused.

Southern California Wildfires - Rice Fire 2007

October 21, 2007

Sunday, sometime in the middle of the night:

I woke up to branches hitting my house. The winds were so strong that my screen door and windows were rattling. I kept hearing this constant tapping noise at my front door as if someone were trying to annoy me out of bed. I went to the window and looked out…nothing. I turned to go back to bed and there it was again. Tap, tap, tap... what in the world? I opened the front door half expecting to see someone there laughing or ready to attack (too many crime shows and murder mysteries). Then I looked up, it was the flag pole hitting the house. I was so annoyed; I yanked it out of its vessel and brought it into the house. Now, back to sleep.

October 22, 2007

Monday morning around 7am:

I watched the news for a little while. The fire could not be contained and was spreading quickly. The winds weren’t helping matters and now the news was saying that a fire had broken out in Fallbrook but that it was not threatening any structures.

9:26am:

I called my friend to see what the weather was like at her house. We were supposed to get together and scrapbook at 10am. She said there was no wind at all and to come on over. I decided to go, thinking that they would just contain the fire near Fallbrook, but I was leaving with a nagging feeling…something that I couldn’t shake or put my finger on so I decided to call another friend for reassurance. “You have nothing to worry about where you are. They aren’t going to let the fire go into town.” I still wasn’t quite satisfied. I called my mom to let her know what was going on and that I’d let her know if we were to be evacuated or in any danger. I gathered my scrapbooking things and my son and went out the door.

The wind was incredibly strong. The playground in front of my house was filled with branches and pine needles. Two trees had blown over and were lying on the ground next to my house. “What a mess,” I thought, “I feel sorry for the people that have to clean up this mess.”

Around 1:45pm:

I get a phone call – “All of Fallbrook is being evacuated? Have you left yet? Do you have somewhere to go?” I’m not even at home! I threw all my scrapbooking stuff into a box, grabbed Landon and headed for home. I prayed the whole way that they’d let me into Fallbrook to get my things and my “baby girl,” Mary. Before I even got to the Naval Weapons Station I was turned away. The MP said that he’s sorry but that I can’t go back for anything. The first mental breakdown begins…

Sobbing and semi-hysterical, I called my dad. I told him the situation and he calmed me down. I had nowhere to go. I called hotels. Dad looked for hotels online. Everything was booked. I called a friend, barely able to get the words out, “We have no where to go…” and before I could even ask her if we could stay there she said, “Come right now. Don’t worry about anything, just come over here and we’ll get through this together.” I told her that we didn’t have anything with us. I decided to run to the store before it got too busy. $200 later, I had all the essentials for a couple of days plus some food and water for all of us and a couple of toys for Landon.

Around 4:00pm:

We sat and stared at the television for the rest of the evening and into the night. I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I couldn’t believe how bad it had become. The news:

Firefighters in Fallbrook are gearing up to battle a resurgence of flames in the Rice Canyon fire, which began as a small fire on Fallbrook's outskirts, but is moving quickly toward the historic town. All 40,000 residents of Fallbrook have been ordered to evacuate the area. The fire has eaten up about 750 acres and is spreading. It is moving toward Fallbrook on Reche Road, spreading on the east side of Interstate 15.

Two people have been injured in the fire, officials said.

When asked about the chances that the fire will make it to downtown Fallbrook, North County Fire Protection District spokesman John Buchanan responded with realistic resolve."It's going to be a tough fight," he said.

Around 7pm:

The kids were bathed, the beds were ready, but Landon and I couldn’t sleep. He told me that “the fire is not going to burn my house or my rocket, Mom.” I told him that he was right and that everything was going to be okay. He finally fell asleep around 10pm and I drifted off around 11pm only to wake up all through the night to check the news.

October 23, 2007

Tuesday:

Another stressful day. Reports from everywhere seemed to be conflicting. I never knew who or what to believe. All I wanted was to go home and get Mary. We tried to get our minds off of it. We watched other things on television and played games but there was always that moment when we just had to get an update. Again, the news:

The Rice Fire in Fallbrook appears to be destroying homes in an unpredictable pattern, John Buchanan, the public information officer for North County Fire Protection District, said this morning. Buchanan said the fire is acting like a tornado, taking out homes outside of its path of destruction, probably from hot embers.

WALDO NILO – North County Times Photographer

By late this morning, fire officials said the blaze had destroyed 250 homes and damaged 30 others in Fallbrook and the eastern portion of Pala Mesa Village.Firefighters were battling a 4-mile long front of the fire in Fallbrook.

The fire is zero percent contained and is stretching from north of Mission Road almost to Highway 76 and Gird Road.

"That's where we're trying to make a stand," Buchanan said at 9:15 a.m. today.The fire is estimated to have burned 4,000 acres and injured two civilians and one firefighter.
An estimated time of containment is not known.

"We're still dealing with very erratic winds and extreme fire behaviors," Buchanan said. "We're basically at the whim of Mother Nature."

Sometime on Tuesday:

I saw the map for the first time of the Rice Fire that was burning in Fallbrook. I couldn’t believe how close it was to my house. It was burning the park were Loren and I had taken Landon to play.

My second breakdown began…

Tuesday, in the middle of the night:

The power had gone out. No light and no fans. (Try sleeping in the heat, in a house that has a lingering of stale smoke. You can’t open the windows for air and you have no idea what is going on. Is it just a normal power outage? It is from the fires?)

We got a phone call that we were under voluntary evacuations and that it was just a matter of time before the MPs came around telling everyone to leave and it would be mandatory. What? Why? My head was a fog. I felt like I was sleeping in the middle of a bad dream. I wanted to wake up from the dream but I didn’t want to wake up from my nap. Exhaustion had taken over my body and my mental state wasn’t far behind. I didn’t want to evacuate again. Now where were we supposed to go?

The information that we got was that there were three new fires on Camp Pendleton – one behind the commissary (which was about two miles down the hill from us), one in the Horno area, and one behind the Air Station (where Loren’s work was located).

My friend was having her breakdown now. She went to pack up some things and then came back downstairs and said that she was not going anywhere until those MPs showed up at the door. She decided to call the MPs directly to find out what was going on. She asked if her housing area was being evacuated and the man said “no, stay in your homes with the windows and doors shut and do not go outside.” She asked him if there were three fires on the base right then, one being right down the hill from her house. “Yes” was the only answer she got and then the man hung up. She watched the neighbors all pack their cars and head out. So much for staying in your homes.

“What should we do?” she asked me. I was so drained and exhausted that I could only think of my head hitting the pillow. I knew that we had to be up in the morning ready to take care of three little kids. “Let’s just get some sleep and we’ll worry about it if the knock on the door comes.” Agreed.

Landon woke up crying some time later and I stumbled up the stairs trying to reach him before he woke up everyone in the house. He told me that he wanted his own room. I told him that we still couldn’t go home because of the fire. He said “okay Mama” and went back to sleep.

October 24, 2007

Wednesday:

There was still no power. The house was hot and stuffy. We were miserable, irritable, and were not getting any answers. The kids were running around the house like banshees. We were ready to pull our hair out if we heard one more scream or fight. Landon and I were out of clean clothes. We got the latest update on the fires on Camp Pendleton from friends before we headed out to the store to go buy some more clothes, food, water, lights, and batteries. Here was the news:

Camp Pendleton authorities have relocated the residents of one housing area, San Onofre 1 and 2, to San Mateo. That relocation, which affected approximately 800 family members, was a precautionary measure in light of the proximity of the Horno fire.

The five-acre fire near the Commissary (the Base's largest grocery store) inthe 21 Area is also 100 percent contained.

After we got home from the store, ate lunch, and stared at each other for most of the afternoon, we decided that it was time to “get out of dodge” (where did that saying come from, by the way). It was just too hot, still no power, the kids were driving us crazy; they were cranky and so were we. We were told that evacuations were voluntary at that time and that it looked like they would not get the power back on until Saturday. That was the last straw. We called dad and had him make hotel arrangements for us in Fontana (about an hour-and-a-half northeast of us).

Wednesday evening, leaving Camp Pendleton:

As we drove along I-5 we could see where the fire had been. The smoke was a heavy fog in the distant but the smell was everywhere. And then, there it was… the fire in the Las Pulgas/Horno area. I had never seen anything like it. It was like I was watching a television. Was I really seeing what I was seeing? The tears fell as I continued to drive north. I wanted my husband. There was an anger growing inside of me. It wasn’t fair. Loren was out helping others in a foreign land while his own family needed his help. All the Marines that were over in Iraq, not knowing if they would have a home to come back to; it was sickening. I felt nauseous, angry, scared, and saddened all at the same time. I just kept thinking that I had to keep it together for my son. He had to know that we were going to be just fine.

Wednesday night, at the hotel:

The hotel was… let’s just say… a little run down and dirty and a lot scary. It was a bad part of town. We stayed one night because we had no other option at that point. We would find a new hotel in the morning. Sleep came easily though. I can remember a feeling of peace like it was okay to just fall asleep.

October 25, 2007

Thursday morning:

We didn’t even shower at the hotel. The bathrooms weren’t very clean and we just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. We drove back towards LA until we found what looked like a nicer part of town and a nicer hotel; the Claremont Inn. Perfect. We got our rooms and got settled in. I was feeling optimistic. The news we were getting was all positive. We stayed there that night knowing that the next day we would probably get the word that we could go home. Home… I thought about it as I went to sleep. Would Mary be okay? Did she have enough food and/or water to sustain her until I got back? Was she scared? I finally fell asleep feeling that the news we had heard that day meant that I would find out soon enough. We would be able to go home in the morning. That’s all I had to cling to.

The news that day:

Fire crews have their arms around about 20 percent of the Rice Canyon fire in Fallbrook, CalFire officials said Wednesday night.

There is also a plan that could see some Fallbrook residents back in their homes by the weekend.

As of late in the evening, none of the threatened homes in northern Fallbrook were burned. The estimated loss of residences in Fallbrook remains at 206 homes, a number unchanged since Tuesday morning.

Much of the losses are in east Fallbrook, including the hard hit Valley Oaks mobile-home park off Reche Road.

(All photos taken by North County Times Photographer, JAMIE SCOTT LYTLE.)

A birds-eye view of the Valley Oaks mobile home park in Fallbrook on Friday.

The National Guard onsite at the Valley Oaks mobile home park in Fallbrook on Friday looking for human remains -- fortunately -- none were found.

Remnants of the Valley Oaks mobile home park in Fallbrook.

Tony Brencola a Fallbrook Water District Worker, looks through the rubble of his Valley Oaks Park mobile home. More than 50 percent of the homes in the park in Fallbrook were destroyed by the fire.

The remains of a small bicycle reminiscent of where children once played is seen in the Valley Oaks mobile home park in Fallbrook.

October 26, 2007

Friday morning:

Dad called. “You can go home now,” he told me. That’s all I needed to hear. We ate our continental breakfast, packed up, and headed for home. Right before we left my friend got a call from her neighbor saying that the power was back on. We said our goodbyes to each other and headed out.

Nothing can explain the feeling I was having as I entered Camp Pendleton. I was scared, nervous, exhausted, happy, and tired. I felt nauseous, once again, as I pulled up to the Naval Weapons Station gate. It was open! I was really going home. What was just five days of ups and downs, highs and lows, was coming to an end. It felt like it had been five months since I had been home.

We pulled into our parking spot. The entire parking lot was covered in pine needles, branches, leaves, and ash. There were only two cars in the entire lot. A neighbor’s car and Loren’s car; the ash and pine needles thick, covering the top of his car.

I opened my front door half expecting Mary to be waiting there for me. She wasn’t. Where was she? I called her and she came running. I scooped her up and just kissed her and held her for a few minutes. She was so happy to see us. She was out of food but still had water. She was okay. We were okay. Our home was just fine. We had nothing left to worry about.

That night as Landon and I got ready for bed we talked about the fire. He told me that the fire was gone now and that the fire trucks went home. He said that the fire didn’t get his house or his rocket and it didn’t get his daddy in the big jet. He said that daddy could come home now too. I told him that Heavenly Father blessed us and saved us and our home from the fire. I told him that we should be thankful to all the firemen and to our Heavenly Father for watching over us and protecting us. We said our prayers and said how grateful we were to be home and safe. We prayed for Loren, as we always do, that he would be safe also.

I think we both went to bed that night feeling relief. It felt so good to be home. I thought of all of those that had lost so much. How blessed we were to just be put out of our home for a few days. Some people didn’t have home to go back to. I prayed for them.