Where Can I Find It?

The questions are heavy on my heart
The darkness sucks the breath from my lungs
My thoughts race, I cannot hold them
My flesh calls out for the razor’s edge
The relief is within but too far to reach
If I go now, it will never come…

-Jackee

My Schedule

The nerve.... Inviting me down there - on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it.

4:00: Wallow in self pity.
4:30: Stare into the abyss.
5:00: Solve world hunger, tell no one.
5:30: Jazzercize.
6:30: Dinner with me - I can't cancel that again.
7:00: Wrestle with my self-loathing...

I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9... I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness.

-The Grinch

THE MASK

No one ever acts themselves,
it's always a mask.
Whenever you see a face,
it's always a mask.
I wonder who they really are
behind that mask.
I wonder if they're really happy
behind that mask.
I don't think anyone knows me
because of my mask.
I don't think they really care...
as long as their mask is there.

-Jackee

The Win

The time fades away slowly-
The pictures go with it.
Each passing day is a triumph;
If there is no pain it's a victory.
The days will get shorter,
The road remains long-
But if there's no pain it's a victory
And if the pictures fade away
I have won.

-Jackee

The Decision

 

Yellow flowers from her past

A love grows weaker, fading fast

Her brown eyes wet with sting of tears

She wonders how she got through years

If only he had seen her there

She wouldn’t sit here now in fear

Wondering which step to take

Knowing all there is at stake

Help her Lord to do what’s right

Keep her strong all through the night

Guide her feet along the way

Help her choose to go or stay

-Jackee

Her Hero?

Bubbling

Festering inside

Things he said

She cannot compute

Raging waters of selfish pride

They wash over her

One cannot predict the devastation

Only partially revealed

She’s swimming

She’s sinking

He cannot compute

Will he realize?

Will he reach for her?

-Jackee

Games People Play

Head games.

What is this about?

Not doing this again;
It is hard to understand.
Love doesn’t come in small packages.
Who knew?
Last played,
Not long ago.

My turn to go first.

One foot in front of the other?

Heart hidden.

-Jackee

 

What's in a Name?

Landon: Mama, I don't want you to call me Landon anymore.
Jackee: Why?
Landon: Because there are too many Landons in the world.
Jackee: Oh ya?
Landon: Ya, I don't think that you and Dad picked a good name. You should call me something else.
Jackee: What should we call you?
Landon: Batman.

Tangled Mess

I'm NOT because I'm KNOT.

-J and J

"The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts."

-Marcus Aurelius

The Most Powerful Force in My Life

The most powerful force in my life has always been God. Whenever things in my life become too difficult for me to handle I know that I can ask him to help me through. He has never left me alone - even in my darkest hours. I'm not really sure how this has shaped the person that I am other than the fact that His "force," His power, His love, I cannot deny. I wish I did embrace God more than I do. I wish that I would turn to Him more - thanking Him for all that He does for me; praying more for the answers I seek and the comfort I long for. Even though I know that He's there, I don't turn to Him or embrace Him enough. I let feelings of pride or unworthiness get in the way. I guess if I embraced Him the way He wants me to I would feel more happiness, healing, and peace in my life.

SELF

"The greatest battle of life is fought out within the silent chambers of the soul. A victory on the inside of a man's heart is worth a hundred conquests on the battlefields of life. To be master of yourself is the best guarantee that you will be master of the situation. Know thyself. The crown of character is self-control."


-Unknown

The Guys

Loren and Landon were driving around the remote control monster truck and Landon was so worried about it crashing. I love his face. So cute!

Reruns

Cloudy lenses
Growing dark
Aching pit
Falling apart
Going nowhere
What to do
Fighting demons
Pushing through

-Jackee

Scrappin' all the Day!

Synchronized Swimmers

This is one of my favorites! These are some of my friends at a talent show. It cracks me up every time I see it.

“Dreams are like stars...you may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.”

My Sunshine

I did some scrapping for my sister:

My Baby and Me

The quote under the picture says,
"Children are a gift from God."

Here's My Baby!

Scrappin' Again!

 

HOPE

"The message of dawn is hope."

                                    -Winston Churchill

A STUMBLE IS NOT A FALL.

I AM HERE NOW

I never thought I would be here, in this place, of inner-peace. So many years I have struggled. I do not write what I am about to say as a way to boast of myself but to tell myself how proud I am of that girl who has traveled so far.

I never loved that girl; I hardly even liked her. Inner criticism was a daily norm. In my mind, I was never worth anything other than what was dealt to me. I didn’t think I had the power to overcome the pain that I held inside. I was betrayed so many times in my life by those who were supposed to protect me and love me. I was betrayed by my own self; by my own decisions and my own actions because I didn’t know how to stand up.

So often the darkness seems to consume me. It is a hard thing for people to deal with or even understand – especially those closest to me. They don’t want to hear it or see it. I do not blame them. It is exhausting. I would spend the better part of my days just trying to mask it so that people wouldn’t have to see. It never worked for long and when it came to the surface there was no stopping it. The confusion and frustration of those around me would be justified because, to them, it seemed to come out of nowhere. I am sorry for this.

I feel the highest highs and the lowest lows – it is a blessing and a curse. It is something that my mind just does and it is a daily struggle to find a balance.

I recently read a quote somewhere that said, “You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.” In that instant I felt a change in me that I will never forget. Somewhere down inside, deep beneath all the abuse, all the pain, and all the sadness that had piled on this little girl’s soul for so many years, was a spark of hope.

I am standing now. I am doing it. I am finally living for me. I am finally sticking up for me. It is such an amazing, and yet, foreign place to be. I am proud of how far I’ve come. I am finally giving this girl credit for surviving. I am finally feeling things, for the first time in my life, without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can make my own path and I don’t have to let life happen to me. I’m not afraid anymore. I am truly free and I am truly thankful…

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams!

-Dr. Seuss

TURN YOUR WOUNDS INTO WISDOM.

-Oprah

I Have Learned...

I always thought I knew what true love was. I had no idea. So many times I have tripped over love but had never been caught when I fell. Now, I have fallen and been caught. I know without a doubt that I have found true love. A love that is persistent and forgiving. A love that's been through fire but has come out as pure and strong as ever. A love that looks beyond today, beyond the years, to eternity. I am happier, stronger, healthier, and more in love than I ever thought possible. My love is here to stay. I am his forever. We don't make excuses or turn our backs when things are tough and seem too great to overcome. When it feels as if it's too much, we just dig in deeper. We resolve to do better, be better; not just try, but DO. I am amazed at what we have become so far and am excited for our future. I love, my one, my true love...

Music is what feelings sound like.

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.

~Maya Angelou, Gather Together in My Name

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

~Berthold Auerbach

A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence.
~Leopold Stokowski

Don't Forget...

HOUSE

IT IS TIME

The Past

Overcoming the Odds

On a Crumpled Piece of Paper

The dark place
I'm here again
It is so familiar
Each time gets more painful
each time I see
the defective one is me

Why do I let them near me
How do I get caught up
Their lies cover my eyes
I cannot see
They whisper in my ears
Cloud my mind with manipulating words
I am powerless for a time
I struggle to take back what is mine

-Jackee

We're All Fine

They turn away
It’s uncomfortable
They don’t want to know
They don’t want to witness
Pretend innocence
Ignorance
They didn’t see what they saw
They didn’t read what they read
They don’t know anything
Everything is fine
We’re all fine
Phony inhabitants
It is all so nauseating
Everyone is too afraid
Say what they think
Tell the truth
Authenticity has vanished from their worlds
True, raw emotions are nowhere to be found
Just keep pretending
The shocking, yucky things don’t exist
Not in their homes
Everyone is fine
We’re all fine

-Jackee

He Loves Me Not

She sat across from him

There was nothing left to say

They stopped looking

They stopped trying

He got up and walked away

She fell...

-Jackee

Daydreaming

I want to walk through one day where the images are not permitted. Where the sensations and thoughts of him are not intruding on my body. I want to forget. I want to slice it away, chop it up, and observe as it soars away on the breeze of forgetfulness, to a world that I know nothing about.


-Jackee

RANDOM

Protection

Have it Your Way

Turn Around

Go Away

I Can't Keep Up

Smile

I am Ready

You are Blind

It's Almost Over

Goodbye

-Jackee

Haunting

Sometimes I can't sleep. The images of what happened that night play again in my mind. I did everything wrong. It still scares me. The nightmares make me sweat and sometimes I feel like I want to cut the image out. I cannot. I must face it.

He was strong. His hand came out of nowhere, as did his anger. I felt the sting on my face and the piercing of his words in my ears. I reacted quickly, but punching him in the face only made it worse. His hands came at me and I laughed at him while he was choking me. "What are you going to do, kill me?" I asked him.

That is all I want to tell.

I didn't cry until much later... I couldn't believe what I'd gotten myself into. I blamed myself and felt that I deserved everything I got. I had bruises and my body ached. I should have told but I couldn't. I was so ashamed of what had happened.

I still blame myself. I should've known better. I still feel afraid sometimes. Some might say that I should be proud of myself for fighting back. I did fight...hard. I still am...

-Jackee

There is Life After You

All the pretty words flew right out the door
You pushed me away

You said I was too much; I was so emotional
In the beginning the word was passionate

I was once special
In the end I was just mental

You just can't handle all that I have to give
Never satisfied anyway

You want a puppet to play in your movie of life
Do your own thing and then it's on to the next

I hate how you stripped me down
I was naked and you saw all of me

Took the memories from my mind
Kept me vulnerable for your pleasure

I never suspected
So naive to your cunning

Instead of taking responsibility for your actions
You blamed me

I never asked to be saved
I never once misbehaved until your selfishness took over

You had to have an excuse for your behavior
So that you could keep the truth undercover

I was left alone without a word
Thrown away, just like the others

I will never be deceived again
I will survive, as I have many times before

I can overcome your betrayal
But you will never be loved again like I loved you

I am more than you deserve
And you will never have me again

So many lies; so many tries
Full of disrespect and never thinking of another

You have no compass to keep you well
You are no better than them

You will one day atone for what you have done
But my heart and mind will have already won

I'm the best thing...
YOU'LL WISH YOU STILL HAD


-Jackee

STAND IN THE RAIN

 

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why
But she knows that when she’s all alone
It feels like it’s all coming down

She won’t turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fear’s whispering
If she stands, she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

-Superchick

Great Idea?

Landon: Mama, we are going to get some tractors and destroy our house.
Jackee: Oh ya?
Landon: Ya, that way we can build an air station and a Lego superstore. Then we can have all the legos and build everything.
Jackee: Well if we destroy our house where are we going to live?
Landon: In the air station.
Jackee: Where will we sleep?
Landon: We can build our beds out of legos.
Jackee: What about a bathroom?
Landon: Don't worry we can build lego bushes too!

Surf's Up!

Landon: Mom, do you know how to surf?
Jackee: No.
Landon: I actually do.
Jackee: Oh ya?
Landon: Does Dad know how to surf?
Jackee: No.
Landon: Well I certainly do and I can teach you guys.

My Guy!

Landon: Mom, guess what?
Jackee: What?
Landon: I'm spiderman and you're my girl!

The Upside of Being BORDERLINE

A person with BPD always wants to be with the ones they love.
A person with BPD is chameleon-like and adapts easily with different types of people.
A person with BPD is spontaneous.
A person with BPD has a high tolerance for physical pain.
A person with BPD experiences more intense feelings of love, happiness, and joy than a person without.